J. is amazing and I couldn't be more happy getting married and starting a new life with him, that's not it. I've found myself thinking I need to be a certain way. I find my self silently competing with other women to see how much better than them I can be. I find that I am competing with J. to see if I can beat him in this game called 'life', "Can I cook and clean without whining?... Yes! I win!!!" "Can I only say positives about our life together when we talk?... Yes! I win!" "Can he be clueless to the fact that I am needing so much more help then I let on?... Yes! I win!!"
What am I winning? What am I accomplishing trying to appear perfect? What fun am I having if I don't go out into the universe and challenge society? When did I lose sight of the fact that I feel an un-dying NEED and WANT to change lives? To change history so that my future sons and daughters can live a fuller less fearful existence... When did I start looking at my own footprints through life and think "Well, I was almost perfect today. I'll try again tomorrow."
So what do I want? What do I need? What am I going to accomplish? Why did it EVER occur to me that I was the last priority on my list? Why is it drilled into my brain that all I need to do to be attractive to J. is to ignore what he says he loves about me and take what compliments other people give me and put those at a higher pedestal? Is this fair to me? To J.? To my family?
THE ANSWER IS NO!!!!!!!!
So... Some change is around the corner. Starting with something I can control... How I feel. Why do I take what makes me feel the best and put it outside like it doesn't matter. Why do I want to live my 1 life like that? I DONT! I want to be happy. Marriage isn't going to fix that... Its going to make the changes that I am making and make them better. Will I feel more secure? I don't know... But I'm not relying on just that. I'm looking to ME. I'm looking ahead to my marriage with happiness and excitement... I'm going to work on myself throughout my life and it starts today. now. this moment. I am in control. Not the forces of nature. Not the heavens. Now the random people in my life. Me. I do it. I know what makes me feel good. I know how to change my life so I can be happier. And I'm going to do it.
Then I will be living.
2 comments:
Marriage is a transition, definitely. So my guess is you're experiencing some of that and it's showing up thru the feelings you're having. There is so much pressure w/wedding planning. I think even if you're not a bride that has planned her wedding since age 5, you are going to be hit by the intense marketing that's out there. They want to sell products and services and, unfortunately, we start wondering if what we have for our event or life is enough. One thing I didn't get hung up in was getting china, for example. However, I did get a new set of dishes. Just a set for four with some matching serving pieces. In retrospect, I didn't even need that. Anyway, just print your post and keep it nearby so if things feel crazy inside, you will tap into your truth.
Not sure if my comment posted to your approval queue. Trying to post another one & subscribe to see what happens.
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